How we change what others think, feel, believe and do
The Skills of Kindness: a guide for sellers, coaches, leaders and facilitators
Guest articles > The Skills of Kindness: a guide for sellers, coaches, leaders and facilitators
by: Sharon Drew Morgen
I believe our ultimate kindness is in helping Others be all they can be, to achieve their own brand of excellence that works best for their own unique system. But inadvertently and unwittingly we bias and restrict our interactions: Regardless of our message or willingness to truly serve, our own subjectivity may limit possibility. In this article Iâll explain why and how we fall short, and introduce new skills to enable us to truly serve Others.
WE CONNECT THROUGH OUR OWN SUBJECTIVITY
Here is how and why we restrict possibility:
Biased listening: We each hear through subjective filters, created during, and restricting, our lives. To wit, with only biased, unconscious filters to work with (i.e. out of our control) our brains idiosyncratically interpret what Others mean to convey (although they may hear the words accurately). Unfortunately, we believe what our brains are hearing and sometimes have little way of knowing what weâre missing unless thereâs a problem. As a result we make faulty assumptions, or are triggered to past experiences or habits. Not to mention potentially experiencing one of over 100 biases.
I wasnât fully aware of the extent of this (although on consideration, realized nothing else could be true) until I researched my book on how to hear others without bias. With the best will in the world we end up only accurately hearing, and thereby responding to, some percentage of what our Communication Partners (CPs) mean to share, regardless of our intent. Itâs all outside of our conscious awareness. Itâs necessary to listen using a different part of our brain (not Active Listening) that weâve never been taught to use intentionally.
Fact #1. We hear Others through our subjective biases and beliefs, causing us to misinterpret whatâs been said.
Subjective expectations: We enter into each conversation with expectations or goals (conscious or unconscious) of what we want from a conversation, thereby limiting outcomes to those within our set of expectations making it difficult to achieve all thatâs possible.
Fact #2. Entering conversations with goals or expectations (conscious or unconscious) unwittingly limits the outcome and full range of possibility, discovery, or creativity.
Restricted curiosity: Our historic subjective associations, experiences, and internal references limit our ability to query or recognize complete fact patterns during data gathering or analysis. Our questions and support are often biased, assumptive, leading, habitual etc. thereby reducing outcomes to the limits of the Facilitator.
Fact #3: We enable Othersâ excellence, and our own needs for accurate data, to the extent we can overcome our own unconscious biases.
Cognitive Dissonance: When the content we share â words, questions, information, education, advice, written material - goes against someoneâs (conscious or unconscious) personal beliefs and system of Self, we cause Cognitive Dissonance and resistance regardless of the efficacy of the information. This is why relevant solutions in sales, marketing, coaching, implementations, doctorâs recommendations etc. often fall on deaf ears. We are unwittingly causing the very resistance we seek to avoid as we attempt to place perfectly good data into a closed system.
Fact #4. Information doesnât teach Others how to change behaviors.
Systems congruence: Individuals and groups think, behave, and decide from a functioning and intricate system of beliefs and rules, history and experience, that creates and maintains their status quo. We know from systems theory that, because of the connections, itâs impossible to change only one piece of a system without effecting the whole. Also, we can never understand the ramifications of what any new ideas or solution would entail in an Otherâs environment especially when every group, every person, believes itâs functioning well, Thank You Very Much. Outsiders offering solutions âforeignâ to the system and without the tools to teach the relevant parts of the system to make the appropriate changes, face resistance as the new solutions get rejected out of hand. Systems are willing to change only when there is buy-in from the relevant elements involved and a clear route to manage the change congruently - not merely because there appears to be a need, or we want to educate, or sell, or or or.
Fact #5: Change cannot happen until there is a defined route to manage disruption, and the appropriate elements buy-in, for those elements that are disrupted.
People or groups are unable to change, regardless of their need, or desire, for change, without somehow managing the implications any change causes to the status quo â all unknowable at the start, when change is considered. We all face a challenge accepting/using information offered by others who expect us to accept it. I face this with you, my readers.
Most fields have been designed in a way that disregards this in their sales, marketing, leading, coaching, healing, etc., practices. Since conventional skills focus on placing the idea/solution/information, we havenât been taught skills to manage the behind-the-scenes activity Others go through to handle their own internal change. All change must include this. When we merely enter at the end, we lose the opportunity to serve and facilitate, not to mention losing business, or having delayed sales cycles, or merely moderate success changing minds or behaviors. Itâs possible to facilitate their journey in a systemic, unbiased way; we just need a few more skills. Iâve developed them.
THE SKILLS OF CHANGE
To enable expanded and managed choice, we must first facilitate Others in recognizing if they can congruently change their status quo (necessary for new decisions and change to occur). They may have buy-in issues down the line, or resource issues, or some host of issues. By focusing on facilitating choice/change first rather than pushing data, we teach Others to achieve internal, systemic congruence where possible and then join them with our solutions as appropriate. Otherwise, our great content will only connect with those folks whose beliefs systems already mirror the incoming data. In other words, when we Facilitate (sell, coach, lead, etc.) using our biased skills, we only help those who are biased in the same way. Unfortunately, those who most need us are the very folks who arenât ready as their âgood-enough/functioningâ system is set up to continue as is.
Simplistically, itâs a belief change problem. Beliefs form the foundation of who we are and inform our biases, our actions, what we hear, our goals, etc. Our beliefs convey who we are: they are largely unconscious, and represent our identity. Our behaviors are our beliefs in action. When we offer advice or information for new solutions, we are offering new âbehaviorsâ without shifting the system that holds our underlying beliefs and behaviors in place and attempting to add something to the existent system that functions âwellâ without it. There is no agreement or home for the new behaviors; our new solutions have no way to take hold, and the system resists.
To facilitate change we must divest ourselves of bias and subjectivity and facilitate Others to first examine their web of (unconscious) beliefs, and then carefully manage any disruption to their system, before sharing our solutions. To accomplish this we must listen differently, ask entirely different questions, use the sequence that systems uses to change itself, and ensure there is buy-in at all the appropriate levels (stakeholders or personal).
Iâve developed a generic model that gives Facilitators the skills to facilitate change at the belief and systems levels. Developed over 50 years, Iâve coded my own Aspergerâs systemizing brain, refitted some of the constructs of NLP, coded the system and sequence of change, and applied some of the research in brain sciences to enable Left Brain evaluation and go beyond the pull of protection and bias to determine where/if/how new choices fit. In other words, I teach choice. Using it Others can consciously self-cue â normally an unconscious process â to enable and recognize the full range of choices possible and design change without resistance. I've trained the model globally over the past 30 years in sales, negotiation, marketing, patient relationships, leadership, coaching, etc.
Below I introduce the main skills Iâve developed to enable change and choice â for me, the real kindness we have to offer. For those interested in learning more, Iâm happy to chat, train, and share.
Observer: to disconnect from bias on both ends, (Speaker and Responder), a non-associative state is necessary to help others accomplish conscious self-cueing, avoid bias, and see the full range of elements that make up the status quo. Associative state â Self (limited choice); Non-associative/witness state â Observer (full range of choice).
Listening for Systems: from birth weâre taught to carefully listen for content (exemplified by Active Listening) which misses the underlying, unspoken system. This new type of listening hears in Observer, and enables hearing whatâs meant, at the metamessage level, and supersedes all bias on either end.
Facilitative Questions: conventional questions are biased by the Speaker and interpreted in a biased way by the Responder. Facilitative Questions (FQ) are not information focused. They are formulated in a specific order, with specific wording; move CPs into discovery via Observer; create a collaborative dialogue around congruent change in the area of the Facilitatorâs solution (solution discussion comes much later). Conventional questions or data gathering cannot achieve this type of change facilitation. Here is a simple (out of sequence) example of the differences between conventional questions and FQs:
Using specific words, in a specific order, to stimulate specific thought categories, in specific areas within the system, FQs uncover systems issues the Other would need to handle prior to making any changes. Others usually do this sort of weighting, and deciding, and considering, etc. on their own but takes them longer. Now we can be part of the process with them much earlier in the path toward change.
Sequenced change: Change occurs in a specific sequence. Until the Other can accurately (without bias) analyze their status quo (largely unconscious) to notice any unseen problems, get consensus from the appropriate people (not always obvious) needed if change were to occur, and understand how to recognize and manage any disruption (physical or mental/emotional) a proposed shift would incur, they can take no action or make any changes; their habitual functioning is at risk. Offering them our information is the final thing theyâll need when, or if, all of the systemic change elements are managed.
There is no way to enable change by starting with attempts to offer/gather information, successful only when the Other has already accomplished all of the above â unlikely in sales, coaching, implementation, or leadership where we fail by pushing the âendâ too soon and face resistance when the system goes into self-preservation. We are indeed limiting all of our interactions to helping only those who are entirely set up to change (the low hanging fruit), and failing with those who might need us but arenât quite ready. We can help them get themselves ready.
THE SKILLS OF KINDNESS
Using my Buying FacilitationÂŽ model (The term 'buying' doesn't relate to sales. It's a generic model.) Facilitators can lead Others through
Being kind means helping Others be all they can be THEIR way, not OUR way. Whenever we attempt to push our own agenda â regardless of the need or possible outcome â we are being manipulative, self-serving, selfish, etc, and weâre missing the larger picture. We can be true servant leaders and change agents to facilitate real, lasting change.
There are a lot of ways to be kind. I believe that those of us that have something important to share that would truly serve others need the skills to enable Others to hear us. Instead of pushing our great ideas into people-systems that donât know how to listen or adopt, letâs use these new skills to facilitate real change and then, when Others know how to change congruently, our important solutions will be heard.
Sharon Drew Morgen is the author of 9 books, including NYTimes Business Bestseller Selling with Integrity, and What? Did You Really Say What I Think I Heard? She has developed facilitation material for sales/change management, coaching, and listening. To learn more about her sales, decision making, and change management material, (www.dirtylittlesecretsbook.com) go to www.sharondrewmorgen.com. To learn more about her work on closing the gap between what’s said and what’s heard, go to www.didihearyou.com. Contact Sharon Drew for training, keynotes, or online programs at firstname.lastname@example.org. Sharon Drew is currently designing programs for coaches to Find and Keep the Ideal Client, and Lead Facilitation for Lead Generation.
Contributor: Sharon Drew Morgen
Published here on: 10-Apr-16